Mom, can I have a library card for Christmas?

Public Libraries - PUBLIC - libraries, charging an annual fee of $200! Yes, $200 every year to a person wanting to check out a book that happens to live in a different county. Was this a decision made by some tired County Board late one evening after spending too much time contemplating a grass ordinance or a cat over-population problem?

“I can’t go to the library! My library card was taken away from me! The library card I’ve been using since I was a little girl! I thought I was going to cry...” Had these words been uttered by some irresponsible person who returned books soaked in cigarette smoke I might not be taken aback. I’ve personally had to return a book unread because it reeked of smoke – a smell I thought somewhat charming at first, like the pleasant aroma from a pipe, and then felt nauseated enough to put the book in a plastic bag and set it outside till morning. No, these words came from a University English Professor, fully employed as such and now unable to check out the books on cd that she uses to entertain herself while commuting to and from work. One might argue that she is somewhat irresponsible…laughs too loud, talks too much, dances much too aggressively at wedding receptions. However, despite all of that she’s prudent where book checking out is concerned and I’m certain has never left an unpleasant odor on a thing.

In pondering this dilemma she thinks…”I really didn’t consider all of the ramifications of living in the country.” She adjusted bravely to no high-speed internet, no cell phone coverage, big, muddy dogs and a wood-burning furnace (that I can speak to first hand). It was fun to 'feed the beast' the first day we were left alone to man the fort while the men were away hunting. Like pioneers, we stacked the wood, stoked the fire and strut away satisfied that we were heating the house in a very ‘rustic’ kind of way. Only to look at each other a few days later wondering why we had to do this shit and when were the men coming home. However, she copes with all of these unseemly and rather unsettling adjustments in life, until…the library card is evoked.

How can we help her? My first suggestion is to visit the library in the city where she teaches. They will certainly recognize her as worthy enough and responsible enough to check out their books. Oh yes, the small thing of her not actually living there might be an issue, but she is a professor in the community, they will bend the rules for her. No. After what I assume is a rather meek attempt of flashing her credentials, smiling sadly and explaining the situation, she is turned away. “I am no where…” she sighs.

The Emperor who had no clothing. The English Professor who had no library card. What did the emperor do? (Honestly, I couldn’t remember so I had to “google” it ) http://www.mindfully.org/Reform/Emperors-New-Clothes.htm - Yes, that’s it…if you see her just exclaim wildly as to how beautiful her library card is and she will hold her head up high.

(P.S. Lisa, we just got off the phone...it's no longer safe to have a conversation with me)