great weekend with the worse moment of my professional career ever...

Friday night I played poker with 7 ladies in Prior Lake. However, these ladies are no ladies at the poker table. They play together weekly and their sweetness melts away as soon as the money changes hands and the chips are passed out. They scare me. Yet - after a three hour run of Texas Hold em I was the last woman standing. I took first place and Kay took 2nd! We brought a little Prior Lake money back to Red Wing. It was fantastic.

During the last hour  or so I was making noises about being a single woman who couldn't afford to heat my house and that I had to eat crackers and cheese for dinner and heat my bed with a heating pad because I sleep alone and it's freezing. Bla, bla, bla. They didn't care. They tried to steal the sweater off my back. But I prevailed! My biggest mistakes was waving the 80 bucks around after I won and bragging about how it was just enough to pay for my facial the next day. oops.

Saturday morning I headed to Cannon Falls to drive my friend Linda to her hair appointment in Northfield. She is still recovering from brain surgery and gets tired easily and is having massive headaches. She got her hair done, I got my facial (fabulous!) and then we had lunch at Froggy Bottoms - much better in the summer because of the balcony over looking the river, but great food and a fun atmosphere inside too.  I had some sort of mandarin orange, chicken and pecan salad that had a gorgeous dressing.  

Then - after dropping Linda off at home for her nap, I received the worse news of my professional career (can't go in to it here) and decided my only option was a little retail therapy at the MOA.  grrrrr  But, I felt better after walking the mall and spending a little cash.  My options were limited in my need for therapy as my level off pissed offness was off the charts.  Retail therapy was the safe bet. Tomorrow we'll do what is becoming more and more normal - damage control.

The Grammy's tonight - just watched Elton John perform with Lady Gaga....interesting.  I'm hoping Dave Matthews wins for best album, but either way I'll get to see the band perform.

Monday tomorrow....ready or not.

H1N1 isn't going to get me...

Got my vaccine at work today. A single shot to the left arm. If my tongue swells or I have any trouble breathing I'm suppose to call someone as that's pretty rare and serious. However, the nurse did mention that it's fairly common to experience some minor symptoms.

She didn't know who she was dealing with. Can we define 'minor' please?

Actually, I'm not too worried. Low grade fever....you're not the boss of me. A little cold....ha!

Some people didn't take advantage of a free vaccine delivered to us at our work place. Conspiracy theory type people just can't trust. Communist plot. Creation of diseases. Racist oppression. I don't know what their deal is.

It's been a few hours and I'm symptom free - the swelling and breathing problems apparently happen rather quickly. I'll probably live.

sure, I'm obsessing about it - that's what I do!

Life teaches us things about ourselves in the most unexpected ways, doesn't it?   I promised myself I would say 'no' more often in 2010 and carefully schedule my time and activities so as not to be overwhelmed.  Like most women I tend to think I can do everything and at the end of week am left scratching my head and wondering what the f happened.

The trickier side of saying 'no' is saying no when I'm simply not being fed emotionally in a way that is supportive and positive. Whoa – big life lesson ahead! With nothing tangible to wrap my cold, dry fingers around, this is a life lesson much more difficult to process.  Saying no, trusting my feelings and anything that needs to ‘end’ have been interesting life lessons so far this year.

At 47 years old I'm finally confident about what I need emotionally in my relationships. Kind of… Whether a friend or romantic interest, I expect that my emotional needs are taken seriously and not dismissed as irrelevant.  This is hard for a woman who is constantly assessing her feelings. I think it's a matter of trust.  Not trust in someone else - but trust in myself. My feelings are not wrong.  My feelings are the core of who I am.  My feelings are important.  Yep, I have to say it to myself again and again to believe it.  

So, what I’ve learned is that trusting my feelings is a work in progress. Also, that endings, by design, suck.  Even if you are the one insisting on the it. I tend to avoid reading the last page of a book until I'm emotionally ready to deal with it. Especially if it’s a book I love.  I'm a critic so it’s easy for me to complain that it should have been more meaningful or glamorous or insightful.  Same goes in life.  I want the ‘endings’ to teach me something or reveal some magical enlightenment.  It seems I don’t make a move without wondering about the lesson, wondering what the ending will look like and then avoiding it as long as possible.  

The lesson in my most recent ‘ending’ you ask?  Don’t just believe what someone thinks of you, especially if it is said (or written) in anger.  

Stating what doesn’t work for you is important and necessary. I’m proud of the ending I brought about because it was meant to honor both people involved. Wasting time in something that simply isn’t working isn’t healthy for either party.  However, somehow in that process my character was desecrated in anger. I’m all ears to constructive criticism shared with love and respect.  Those who truly love me have no problem telling me when I’m obsessing over something, talking too much, laughing too loud etc.  The list could go on and on. But the desecrating hit hard and deep, like a rifle shot from behind.  Did that have to be a part of the ending? 

I guess the other lesson is I can’t control someone else’s reaction when I articulate what I need.  At the end of the day I have to ask myself – was I kind? Honest? Genuine?  Did I ‘first do no harm?’  Well, that’s a matter of perspective I guess and only time will tell.  

Thank god for Mondays

A week ago I posted my resolve to open mail every day, throw away the junk, read the magazines and send a check immediately to anyone requesting money.  As I said, most of my bills are paid online so that stuff that comes through the slot on my porch use to have about a 90% chance of being ignored.

After having a really tough Saturday (annual workshop at the office), the last thing I wanted to do in the few hours before our banquet was look at mail.  But...look I did.   Every day I've averaged 2 to 3 pieces of mail, most of which ended in the recycle bin.  Today - there is nothing, nada, not one thing to look at.  I'm actually a little disappointed.  So, one week in and all is well in the mail department.

This weekend I spent about five hours at a workshop,  played in my first euchre tournament, attended our annual employee appreciation banquet, went out dancing for a few hours and had dinner and watched the Vikings/Saints football game at a friends house.  Best weekend of the year, but I'm tired now and just want to sit.  The dog has been ignored and it's too icy to get much of a walk in.  I'm ready for Spring, but really hate wishing away time -  especially over weather.

Today I hosted a going away party for one of my employees.  He's a audio/visual tech and has decided to follow his passion, jump off the safe job cliff and start his own video business. He's talented, young, interesting and a hoot to be around.  We are really going to miss him.

Did I mention that I watched football this week.  Yeah, I know.  The whole game.  Overtime too.  It was fantastic.  I know, I know.  Seriously - it was fun.  The key - watching with cool, fun people and drinking lots of beer.  Sadly the outcome of the game wasn't what we hoped for.

I also let go of the bumper of a moving car. (life analogy ahead).  The car was locked, the car was moving and I was hanging on to the bumper.  Heard this on a t.v. show.  I hoped the driver would stop the car, get out and help me in, or at the very least slow down and unlock the door.  The car kept moving, the door stayed lock and eventually I had to let go of the bumper as it was starting to get painful bouncing along like that.  No more bumpers for me.

If I don't create them, I don't have to keep them

New Year's Resolution 2010 - gotta add one more to the list.  I have a secret.  A horrifying little secret that terrifies me on a regular basis – usually in the form of an anxiety attack at 2:00 a.m.

Mail.

Snail mail.

That stinking pile of envelopes, magazines, advertisements, flyers and newspapers haunts me in my sleep.  I pile it into baskets or grocery bags.  Tuck it away in closets and promise myself I will go through it...soon...as soon as I have time....tomorrow, maybe the weekend.  Inevitably Sunday night comes and it’s still untouched and mocking me from wherever I have hidden it in my perfectly organized and clean house.  My dirty secret.

That is until this past Sunday.  It took a three day holiday weekend for me to face over two months worth of untouched mail.  I know!  The horrors.  I wanted to go out shopping, take pictures of eagles, watch a movie, eat chocolate and take the dog on a hike.  I didn’t do any of it until I faced my devil.

I took my stash out of its hiding place (and there were many). Dumped it all on my perfectly made bed (I mention that in defense of my otherwise very organized lifestyle) took a deep breath , made a pot of coffee, plucked my eyebrows, gave myself a manicure, rearranged the socks in my sock drawer, looked through 4 or 5 books that I want to start next, leafed through a magazine and then…without further delay (and a little self scolding to get on with it) I dug in.

One pile for junk, one pile for things needing my attention.  I opened everything.  I filled two paper bags with junk and carried a nice, neat little pile to my desk of things needing my attention.  What the….  Why do I do this to myself?  Two hours on a beautiful Sunday I will never get back.  The devil was not waiting for me in that pile.  Nothing scary, nothing I can’t handle, no big deal.

So, the resolution part you ask? I will open my mail every day.  I will open my mail every day.  I will open my mail every day.

I placed a recycled bin next to my mailbox.  Check.  Go to the mail, throw the junk away.  I can do this.

I placed a shoebox with my check book, stamps and pen near the mailbox.  Go to the mailbox, write a check for anyone needing money (now is your chance), stick a stamp on it and put back in the mailbox.  Check.  I can do this.

This weekend I will select the paperless option on everything I pay online. I will also go paperless on my bank site so that I stop receiving all those statements that I don't need (or ever look at).  Receiving these things via snail mail seems archaic.

So today….Day 1 of this wild new ride I’m on called responsible mail recipient.  I came home…went to the mailbox….opened my mail.  (3 pieces – a thing of beauty) and dealt with it.  There was even a coupon for Barnes and Noble.  How cool is that?

Tomorrow is Day 2 – wish me luck.  Oh, and as for resolutions…..well….

yes, and I'm very grateful!

MPR was asking listeners today if a day off of work was the best way to honor MLK day.  Well, those of us who had the day off would certainly say YES.  

One of my dearest friends had surgery today so I spent mine honoring her and her family by taking her to the hospital and sitting with her sister all day until we got word that all went well.  Admittedly, I didn't think of the life and work of Martin Luther King much.  Instead I sat in a surgery waiting room with lots of families.  Every time a surgeon entered the room our eyes would follow him to the family members anxiously waiting for news of their loved ones.  It was a good day in that waiting room.  Sighs of relief, smiles and thank you's  filled the room.  I witnessed compassionate, humble doctors patiently explaining procedures and reassuring families that all went very well.  We likewise received the same news.  

I'm not sure what  her life will be like with 5 yards of coiled steel in her body (airports could be an issue), but the aneurysm has had its life line cut off and hopefully her eye sight will improve and the double vision will go away. 

So, did I spend MLK day the way I wanted to...

It's that time of year - time to take down my pretty Christmas tree.  It's also time to think about a new year, resolutions and exciting new beginnings.  As I sweep, pack and haul away all that was 2009, I'm energized as I think about 2010.  Like most people I have some resolutions - improved eating and spending habits, but more importantly an improved sense of who I am and what I want to accomplish this year.

My goals included improving my photography skills, reading more, staying true to what I love and the kinds of people I want to spend my time with.  I'm also learning to say no, stop doing things that don't work for me and surrounding myself with exciting, energized, positive and passionate people.

Thanks Martin Luther King, Jr.

I love three day holidays!  Especially this early in the year.  Easing gently into full work weeks after the holidays is a lot of pressure and I'm due a little "more" time off!  :)

What to do....  So far I have a full Friday, Saturday and Saturday night planned.  Sunday is filled with many possibilities, yet unplanned at this point (just the way I like my Sunday's) and Monday I'll be spending the day at Abbott Northwestern while a very dear friend has surgery.  I suppose I'll spend part of Sunday taking Christmas down around my house.  I've loved my Christmas tree, but its been on display since before Thanksgiving so I'm ready to pack it away.

It's going to be a mild winter weekend too so I'll get down to Colvill and get a few more photos of the eagles as they nest and fish and take Lily on a nice long hike.

So, a tribute to King (thanks for the long weekend) and a few sentences from his mountaintop speech (he was killed the day after this speech):

And then I got to Memphis. And some began to say the threats, or talk about the threats that were out. What would happen to me from some of our sick white brothers? Well, I don't know what will happen now. We've got some difficult days ahead. But it doesn't matter with me now. Because I've been to the mountaintop. And I don't mind. Like anybody, I would like to live a long life. Longevity has its place. But I'm not concerned about that now. I just want to do God's will. And He's allowed me to go up to the mountain. And I've looked over. And I've seen the promised land. I may not get there with you. But I want you to know tonight, that we, as a people, will get to the promised land. So I'm happy, tonight. I'm not worried about anything. I'm not fearing any man. Mine eyes have seen the glory of the coming of the Lord.

—Martin Luther King, Jr.

Scenes along the river

The address reads Pine Street on the sign...

-12 in Red Wing

to see the eagles in the tree click to enlarge

Winter shots from Red Wing