Life teaches us things about ourselves in the most unexpected ways, doesn't it? I promised myself I would say 'no' more often in 2010 and carefully schedule my time and activities so as not to be overwhelmed. Like most women I tend to think I can do everything and at the end of week am left scratching my head and wondering what the f happened.
The trickier side of saying 'no' is saying no when I'm simply not being fed emotionally in a way that is supportive and positive. Whoa – big life lesson ahead! With nothing tangible to wrap my cold, dry fingers around, this is a life lesson much more difficult to process. Saying no, trusting my feelings and anything that needs to ‘end’ have been interesting life lessons so far this year.
At 47 years old I'm finally confident about what I need emotionally in my relationships. Kind of… Whether a friend or romantic interest, I expect that my emotional needs are taken seriously and not dismissed as irrelevant. This is hard for a woman who is constantly assessing her feelings. I think it's a matter of trust. Not trust in someone else - but trust in myself. My feelings are not wrong. My feelings are the core of who I am. My feelings are important. Yep, I have to say it to myself again and again to believe it.
So, what I’ve learned is that trusting my feelings is a work in progress. Also, that endings, by design, suck. Even if you are the one insisting on the it. I tend to avoid reading the last page of a book until I'm emotionally ready to deal with it. Especially if it’s a book I love. I'm a critic so it’s easy for me to complain that it should have been more meaningful or glamorous or insightful. Same goes in life. I want the ‘endings’ to teach me something or reveal some magical enlightenment. It seems I don’t make a move without wondering about the lesson, wondering what the ending will look like and then avoiding it as long as possible.
The lesson in my most recent ‘ending’ you ask? Don’t just believe what someone thinks of you, especially if it is said (or written) in anger.
Stating what doesn’t work for you is important and necessary. I’m proud of the ending I brought about because it was meant to honor both people involved. Wasting time in something that simply isn’t working isn’t healthy for either party. However, somehow in that process my character was desecrated in anger. I’m all ears to constructive criticism shared with love and respect. Those who truly love me have no problem telling me when I’m obsessing over something, talking too much, laughing too loud etc. The list could go on and on. But the desecrating hit hard and deep, like a rifle shot from behind. Did that have to be a part of the ending?
Stating what doesn’t work for you is important and necessary. I’m proud of the ending I brought about because it was meant to honor both people involved. Wasting time in something that simply isn’t working isn’t healthy for either party. However, somehow in that process my character was desecrated in anger. I’m all ears to constructive criticism shared with love and respect. Those who truly love me have no problem telling me when I’m obsessing over something, talking too much, laughing too loud etc. The list could go on and on. But the desecrating hit hard and deep, like a rifle shot from behind. Did that have to be a part of the ending?
I guess the other lesson is I can’t control someone else’s reaction when I articulate what I need. At the end of the day I have to ask myself – was I kind? Honest? Genuine? Did I ‘first do no harm?’ Well, that’s a matter of perspective I guess and only time will tell.
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